Maybe the biggest reason we have arguments in our relationships is because we don’t give ourselves permission to be bad.
Our partners, kids, parents, friends have a need for us to listen to them, to be compassionate and nice to them, to be supportive and patient with them, but sometimes we just can’t. So we end up feeling guilty, we shut down, blame, complain or get resentful, angry and depressed. We try justifying, defending, attacking, manipulating, but in the end… we just feel victimized by them.
A friend of mine recently told me: “I’m tired a lot, I’m not able to get along with my husband, we fight a lot, I can barely give enough of my energy to the kids. I’m trying to be patient and compassionate, but inside I’m just angry, exhausted and depressed.”
It’s outrageous how much we judge ourselves for having negative, unwanted emotions, labeling them as “bad”, feeling like we are being “bad” if we have these emotions. We feel guilty when we act frustrated, cold, mean, bitchy, not the peachy joyful person we think others expect us to be. We try to please others by pretending that we are in a better place, or we blame them for our emotions and our circumstances, then we beat up on ourselves, digging ourselves into a deeper hole. Sometimes we can’t even admit to ourselves that we are having “bad“ emotions, sweeping them under the rug (aka a Spiritual Bypass).
This is a common downward spiral of suffering that human beings keep falling into while living in this day and age.
So, how do we free ourselves from all this suffering?
Freedom begins with giving ourselves permission to be bad. To be a bad husband, bad wife, bad mother, bad daughter, bad listener, bad anything and everything you can possibly think of. Permission to be wrong, inconsiderate, impatient, unfriendly, depressed, angry, permission to make mistakes, to fail and to lose. I am not saying that you should go out there and hurt yourself or others. I am inviting you to fully own who and where you really are in every moment, without justification and defensiveness. To drop the self-judgment and resistance and allow yourself to be-come aware.
We have been told that we have to be “good” since we were tiny, so without even knowing it, we spend tons of energy trying to “be good” and avoid “being bad”. This can keep us very busy mentally, physically and emotionally.
One day, I inadvertently criticized my husband and we were about to start the usual downward spiral of arguing, but this time I did something totally different. I became aware of my reaction to want to justify and defend myself, to shut down and attack him. But, instead of reacting, I surrendered to my human-ness by allowing myself to just be an imperfect, unaware, unenlightened human being. I accepted and owned being a bad wife, a bad partner, just plain old “bad”. I let go of defending my “goodness” and declared to him that sometimes I am a bad wife and can’t apologize or be a good listener or supportive at all. Owning this without any sadness or guilt in my body I allowed myself to become free. I embodied freedom and the mystical perfection of my imperfection. From a place of freedom I declared: “If you can’t deal with it, then you better get out of the kitchen”. He looked at me with a shocked expression, then in his eyes I saw the awakening of acceptance mixed with compassion, understanding and even adoration. In that moment, I could see that I gave HIM permission to also be “bad”. A huge burden fell off our shoulders.
When I told this story to my daughter, she asked: “But, what does it mean to be bad?”
“Bad” is a perspective. An idea constructed from blind beliefs and stories that we have absorbed from others. We ingested other people’s perspective of “good and bad”, and made it our own. It is not a Universal Truth, or a spiritual understanding. We, humans created this duality.
Most of us are not even aware of the massive amounts of blind beliefs that we have collected over the years. We hoard these beliefs, justify and defend them, even when they take a heavy toll upon us and our lives. These beliefs are embedded deep onto how we see the world. They’re emotionally charged. They control our feelings and our lives. We think our personal perspectives and beliefs are accurate and should be agreed with, and we even get confused when others don’t see things our way.
The truth is, that there is no “good“ or “bad“. It is a perspective manufactured by us humans.
In the case of Santa Claus, the naughty and nice list, is often used by parents to “teach” children how to behave. It’s a way to keep ourselves safe from our children’s wildness and to tame them into society. Unfortunately, we are just passing on our blind beliefs to our children. Yes, this probably happened to you too. So this holiday season, stop trying to be perfect (aka “good”) and give yourself permission to be bad!
If you are ready to free yourself from the imprisonment of the duality of “good and bad“, then the first step is to become AWARE.
Take time to become aware of where your beliefs of “good and bad” came from? Notice any charged emotions that trap you into these beliefs. Many of these beliefs may feel like The Truth, the right thing to do, obvious to all, the natural understanding of all of humanity. This is how the logical mind keeps you stuck in these beliefs. Notice your righteousness, your defensiveness and emotional involvements that keep these beliefs alive and strong.
Once you become aware, you have a chance to choose. You can choose to expand your perspective, to let go of judging and denigrating yourself and others. While you’re at it, give others permission to be “bad” too. Know that their grumpiness, unpleasantness and outright “wrongness” is not really who they are. It is not their Truth. What if you let your partner off the hook? Watch the fear that may come up with such free thinking.
Examine your beliefs around what is good and bad, such as being a good mother vs being a bad mother, being a good provider vs a bad provider, a good sister, a bad friend, a good coworker, bad supervisor, being in bad health, in bad environments, in good financial state, good emotional state, a good person, bad citizen, well informed, doing the right thing vs doing the right wrong thing… If you want to go deeper, you could even journal about these beliefs and what you are becoming aware of. If you want to go even deeper, then register for my upcoming MANIFESTING FREEDOM course.
Our entire world is created of beliefs that put us into the “good“ or “bad“ categories, and we are exhausting ourselves trying to stay out of the “bad” pile and keep ourselves in the “good” pile.
Becoming aware of all this may be very uncomfortable. That is why practicing self-kindness and self-love is detrimental. It is the next step!
Observing our inner world with kindness and non-judgement can awaken acceptance, compassion and understanding. This helps us to see the world through the eyes of Source, The Universe, Spirit, God, whatever you want to call the life-force or energy that is alive and aware within an all of creation. If we look into our shadows without a connection to our Wiser/Higher Self, which is filled with unconditional love and compassion, then we might end up creating more self-judgment and negativity.
As we are “WAKING UP”, we are learning to understand all these ways that keep us “asleep”, “unaware”, “dead”. But, there are still many humans who need these constructed beliefs and are not ready to “WAKE UP”. If you are reading this post, then you are not one of those humans. You are ready! You are searching and asking for more awareness. You are transforming and becoming who you have come here to be. That doesn’t make you any better or worse than anyone else. It just is!
If you are ready to go deeper, then maybe you’re ready for the MANIFESTING FREEDOM course that begins on January 13, 2021. Look below for more info.
My Holiday Prayer for Humanity is this: May we have the inspiration to honor and respect ourselves and each other. May our attitudes be full of gratitude for our aliveness, for beauty, for nature, for the Great Mother Earth and all the beings that live upon her. Just because it feels so good! Just because it “AWAKENS” us! May we all continuously realize our freedom through the awakening of our awareness!
MANIFESTING FREEDOM COURSE
MANIFESTING FREEDOM is a 6 class ZOOM course to help you have a better New Year:
- Manifest freedom from stress, trauma, worry, relationship troubles, financial difficulties, loneliness, negative emotions, anxiety and other forms of suffering.
- Manifest more freedom in every aspect of your life.
- Gain a deeper connection with the Universal Forces of Creation.
- Understand what holds you back and how to move through your blocks.
- Feel more at home with yourself and in the world.
- Create more freedom and space in your life.
- Make better decisions in life.
- Have more protection from negative energies.
- Navigate your human experience with more ease and joy.
This guided course will use meditation, reflection and other transformational healing techniques to deepen your connection to your Wiser/Higher Self and the Universal Wisdom of Creation.
You will learn how to become aware of the patterns that keep you bound up and enslaved, and how to free yourself when you get stuck in these patterns, while anchoring in abundance, peace and joy. It is a participatory class where you will have an opportunity to journal, contemplate, receive personal guidance, and connect with a supportive group.
2020 was one of my best years ever and I want to share with you the techniques that I have been using and help you discover how to create the life that you desire!
Cost: $180 for the entire course (6 classes and a video teaching). Zoom classes are on Wednesdays, 1/13, 1/20, 1/27, 2/10, 2/17 from 6:30pm – 8:00pm, and on Sunday, 2/27 from 10:30am – 12:00pm. Audio recordings will be provided for all classes. Participation in person is encouraged, but not required. Space is limited.
To register for MANIFESTING FREEDOM email BeatrisHeals@gmail.com by 1/11/2021.