I used to think that I was a good communicator. I’ve taken hundreds of workshops and certification courses, yet when I communicate with my partner, sometimes I fail. Especially when I’m tired, cranky, in a hurry, hurt, frustrated, angry, hungry, needy, or if I’m lacking sex, alone time, attention, affection… or if I’m triggered in any way. You get the picture!
Psychologists say that we have many different communication styles and needs. We are often projecting our communication style and need onto others, and wonder why they don’t “get” us. Even if we share our communication needs with our partners, they still don’t seem to “do what we asked”.
So, we think: “Why can’t she/he just say the right the right thing and stop saying the wrong thing?” It’s actually more like: “What a looser” or “What a bitch”.
At best, we tolerate our partner’s communication style. Most of the time, they can’t even listen and react to our self-expression “the right way”. Their impatience, interruptions, lack of presence or “incorrect reactions” can be hurtful and disconnecting.
So, what is the way out of this?
Awareness and compassion is the first big step in creating harmony in any relationship. Even in your relationship with yourself.
Explaining where you’re coming from may be a good idea, but if you do it in a form of justification or defensiveness, you will probably make things worse.
Expectations that others will communicate or listen to us successfully can create disappointment and frustration. Judgment can create disconnection and heartache.
With my husband, sometimes the best thing I can do is to admit that I failed to communicate in the way he needed.
Admitting failure is hard for my ego to handle.
So, I practice self-compassion, self-acceptance and self-forgiveness. I practice being imperfect.
I lovingly allow myself to fail (a lot) and sit with the part of me that is mortified of being a failure, soothing it with my gentle compassion. I lovingly attend to my humanity, like a mother holding space for her scared or angry child.
I practice embodying harmony and acceptance, by breathing it in, by feeling it with body and heart.
I continue to open my heart space and connect to Divine Mother Universe, to the unconditional love and acceptance that she feels for me. I reach for her soothing embrace and let my heart be touched by her loving kindness.
Oh, Loving Cosmic Dark Mother who gives birth to all and holds all in her love, you are my greatest teacher and guide. I’m continually humbled by your immense wisdom and acceptance. I bow down to your infinite heart and expand into your loving embrace. May I learn to embody you and act with your compassionate wisdom.
I surrender my ego to you with all of its worry, fear and angry self-mutilation. Please, receive its monstrous head as my offering. I align with your Divine Will and become your humble servant again and again.
May I radiate your Divine Light, speak your wisdom words and breathe your healing breath. By realizing my True Self I dissolve into your ceaseless ecstasy. You are the source of my true power, love and bliss.