A few days ago, a great man opened up to me about a stressful phone call he had to endure. When he asked for my advice I replied with a question: “How are you mirroring this person?” His reply was: “What do you mean by mirroring? The guy is asking me for money, trying to make me feel guilty. Are you saying I should “mirror” him by feeling guilty and giving him the money?”
“Definitely not.” I replied. “Guilt is a low vibration emotion and nothing is worth doing out of guilt.”
We all have at least one person in our lives that causes havoc, creates chaos. Do you have one of those?
Sure, it would be great if we could just walk away and never have to communicate with them again. However, sometimes that is just not realistic. What if you are co-parenting a child with an angry ex, or your bipolar sister lives with your beloved dad, or someone you work with closely is always stressed out and complaining to you?
How do you deal with these people successfully?
One of my favorite ways is what I call “conscious mirroring”.
I find that we are often mirroring people, but mostly unconsciously. Unconscious mirroring is just reflecting to the other person where they are. For example, sympathizing, feeling sorry for them, trying to help or fix their problem. We get angry if they are angry, we reflect someone’s complaining by complaining back or complaining about them.
Sometimes we unconsciously reflect the opposite emotion. For example if we can’t reflect someone’s happiness, then we reflect our lack of happiness and that may look like jealousy, envy, anger. We may reflect someone’s outbursts of anger with a quiet inner anger. When someone I love feels disappointed, I feel disappointed. If someone acts like a powerless victim “the poor me syndrome”, we may respond like we are victim of their whining and neediness or reflect the opposite emotion: anger. When you show fear it feeds the intimidators and they feel more powerful. If I’m pushy, my partner gets resistant, which makes me more pushy and him more resistant…
Awareness is the key to transformation. So, before I explain “conscious mirroring”, please, take a moment to become aware:
How do you respond to anger, complaining, criticism, intimidation? Do you mirror back with anger or do you feel victimized?
How do you respond to happiness, joy, pleasure? Do you join in or get jealous or envious?
Most of us are not aware of how our magnetic field responds to others. This is why an angry person can yell: “I’m not angry”. When we are aware of how we respond to others, we can raise above the emotion and begin to mirror consciously.
Conscious mirroring gives you a choice to create the outcome you desire in communication and helps you to not get lost in the other person’s “story”. It’s very important to be aware of other people’s “stories” as well as yours. To become more aware of your unconscious “stories”, how your “stories” control you and what to do about them, come to my Relationship Workshop in Pasadena on November 9, 2014.
So, what is “conscious mirroring” and how to do it?
It’s being aware of the infinite source of power that is within us all. AND being aware of the “stories” that people make up about themselves and about you.
Conscious mirroring is accepting where people are at in their life at the moment, without having to do anything about it. Without having to change them. We are all responsible for creating our own reality.
One way to mirror consciously is to mirror their “story”, without getting lost in it. For example, calmly telling an angry person that they seem angry and don’t try to fix it. Or in the example of the man asking for money, saying: “I can see that you’re having a hard time. It sounds rough and I’m so sorry you have to go through such difficulties. But I will not give you the money that you’re asking for, because I believe that you can figure this out on your own.” Reflect their story to them, objectively. Saying “no” teaches them that guilt will not produce their desired result. Being compassionate, but firm in your position models a position of strength and teaches them how to be powerful while being supportive.
Another option of conscious mirroring is choosing to mirror their infinite source of power. Looking through their story and empowering the spirit. This is my favorite way. For example: ” You’re a wise, intelligent, creative person. I know that you can get through this and I’m not worried about you. I stand here for you rooting for you to find your power and take responsibility for the life you are creating. I know you can handle this on your own.”
Please, let me know if you have mirrored consciously. I’d love to hear about your results and look forward to reading your comments below!
The Relationship Workshop is coming up in two weeks. In this workshop we will discover the “selves” and “stories” that we have created to cope with life, how these “selves” and “stories” control us and leak our energy. We will transform them from weaknesses into strengths. Click here to learn more about the workshop!